Venturing Out!

I am actually going to venture out in the world a bit in the next few days. Other than a few meals out and a few yoga classes, I have not been out in public. I am advised to stay home and avoid germs while my blood counts are low. I've been very good about that, and friends have been very good about staying away when they are sick. It's risky, I guess, but I'm getting cabin fever. So, tonight I'm going to the Earthtones Gallery in Paso Robles for a Reiki Healing Circle. I've never experienced Reiki before, but I've been wanting to. It's also sort of a trial run before our Big Night Thursday night.

Casey and I are going to the Chumash Casino to see Sarah McLachlan. Casey loves her and really wanted to go. I love her, too, but I mostly just want Casey to have some fun! I will wash my hands a lot, breathe toward Casey and take hand sanitizer in my purse. Hopefully no one seated near me will be sick. This is a big deal for me because it involves probably three hours total driving time, plus the show, plus we'll have dinner first. Whew. Makes me tired just thinking about it. This is when it's nice that Stella Blue has a bed in the back and I can sleep if I need to!

Friday my brother David and my niece Cate are coming to see me. I'm so excited to see them! Chris may be coming, but I have the feeling she's still sick. Probably Coal Pit, David's lab and duck hunter extraordinaire will come, too. We love him, too and enjoy it when he comes.

It's good to have a few fun things to look forward to!

David, Cate and I getting silly with Photobooth:

Namaste, Jill

Bella the Houdini Dog

Yesterday I was outside enjoying the sunshine with Ben and Bella when Bella crashed through the fence again. A woman and her border collie were walking by and she got excited. She had been lying down and I could see her from where I was sitting, not far away. The minute she jumped up, ran and started barking I gave chase and yelled "No!" She was through that fence in less than a second. I ran through the house, calling for Casey. Fortunately he hopped on his bike, chased her down, cornered her and she was quickly home and safe. When this happens, Casey starts talking about finding her a new home. He feels that we can't keep her safe and that she's a liability. I love her too much to consider this, and it's my feeling that once you adopt a dog it's forever.

I spent some time yesterday researching, reading message boards, and emailing questions. Laurie from the Great Pyrenees Rescue Association promptly responded. Typical GP behavior, she said. Once they escape, the world is theirs and they "lose the word come from their vocabulary." They gallop like horses and can cover ground quickly. This certainly describes my Bella. She will look me in the eye, give me a doggy grin and run in the opposite direction. Laurie suggested planting bushes along the fence line since we have taught her to respect landscaping boundaries.

In August we are going on a trip to Humboldt and Del Norte Counties. We'll be gone for two weeks, and I don't want to leave Bella in the kennel. We are renting a cabin with my brother and sister-in-law for a week that allows dogs. Casey thinks Bella will escape, get lost, and disappear forever. I feel confident that I can keep that from happening. I have never been a person who cages my animals, except for fencing the yard to keep them safe. I've lost four parakeets out the door because I let them fly free in the house. To me, a life lived free with the risk of escape is better than a life in a cage. In hindsight, I probably should have clipped my parakeets' wings. I had a small bunny that lived in the house and hopped free. He sometimes used the litter box, but I spent a lot of time following him around, cleaning up what my brother called "coco puffs" with a dustbuster. Before I adopted Bella, I had Molly Jones, an old english sheepdog and black lab mix and Margarita, a border collie and australian shepherd mix. They were both fine off leash and could, and did, go anywhere with me. I want this for Bella, too.

I sometimes wonder how much my cancer has affected Bella. In the three years she has been my dog, I have been sick for two of them. She's seen me spend a lot of time in bed. Our initial training was interrupted by my original diagnosis and surgery. She was also traumatized by her previous life and her time spent first at the pound and later at the humane society. I undoubtedly need to get back to spending time training her, every day. Still, her tendency to escape and not respond to the come command is inherent in her breed and may not be fixable.

I love my Bella. Right now she is lying beside my chair, calm and submissive. It's my responsibility to keep her safe, and I intend to do so.

Bella playing with her friend Brodie, the labradoodle:

Namaste, Jill

Growth

I'm finally out of bed today. It feels good to be out of my bedroom on a bright, beautiful, sunshiny day. I feel tired, which is normal after a chemo round and four days in bed. I have a sore developing from my anti-nausea pressure point bracelets, so I'm glad I feel well enough to take them off. I've lost 13 pounds since my visit to the doctor at the beginning of this round. This is surprising. I didn't eat much for two days after the treatments, but otherwise I have been eating well. The food from The Wellness Kitchen was delicious! I'm so happy to have this resource.

Cathy and I were talking the other day about how neither of us is the same person we were in our 20's, and for me the same goes for my 30's and 40's. In my 20's, first as a college student and then as a graduate, I thought I was all grown up and knew a lot. When I turned 30 I felt like I was starting to get old - ha! I did many foolish things during those years. When I turned 40, I started to actually become an adult. I remember thinking I felt more powerful, and that if I was somewhere I didn't want to be I would leave and if someone asked me to do something and I didn't want to do I would simply say no thank you instead of making up an excuse. Turning 50, especially after dealing with cancer once and being in the midst of battle number two, made me feel old. Wiser, less prone to doing stupid things, but old. This is on my mind because of yesterday. Over the years, I have been to many Super Bowl parties where I read my book during the game because I thought football was boring. Yesterday I watched the entire game. Casey watched bits and pieces of it, but I watched it all. For the first time I found the game more interesting than the commercials! This comes from watching pieces of games with Casey, the Chargers with Sydney when she's here, and memories of watching with my dad. Life is all about growth and change, and it's gratifying to look back on my life and see growth. By the way, the best commercial, in my opinion, was the VW beetle. I am biased since I am on my third VW Westie, but Casey and I both cracked up at that racing little beetle. I also thought the half-time show was awesome. I loved how big and colorful it was - the dancers forming hearts etc, and I love The Black Eyed Peas, Fergie, Slash and Usher. I'll bet it looked amazing from the stands!

So, today I will stay out of bed hopefully all day. I'll get a few things done around the house and I'll take a walk in the sunshine. My first day up I always feel weak and I just manage what I can. Today is the first day of my break from chemo!!

Me and Sydney before the wedding. Get well, my BFF football watching buddy!

l

Namaste, Jill

Thoughtful Moments

This is a photo of my AVID class, doing some team building exercises. We have a lot of fun in AVID, and we bond in a special way. I start with them today because they did something so sweet for me yesterday. They got together and passed around what I assume was Angelica's phone, and they each sent me a text message, telling me they love me and they miss me. I have been feeling so disconnected from my kids and my classroom, so it meant a lot to know they are still thinking of me. This class stays together for two years, so we already spent a year together. We play team building games on Fridays and we go on field trips. These experiences make us closer. Last year we went to Stanford and to UCSB together. This year Meg, Amelia and Kara stepped in for me and took them to CSU Monterey Bay and to the Monterey Aquarium. I love all of my kids, but I get especially close to my AVID kids. It made my day to hear from them yesterday, and that was their goal.

Later on in the day, two packages arrived on my doorstep. Debra, who recently sent me flowers and made a difficult day better, sent me a beautiful yoga/meditation CD that will be wonderful for my private classes. She also sent me aromatherapy patches to help with stress, energy, sleep...what a thoughtful gift and a wonderful friend. She also emailed me pictures from the 1980's - one of Sydney and her sister Ande and one of Debra and I at my parents' house in Eureka. We all had the curly, Bon Jovi inspired hair do!! They made me smile.

Last night Patrick, my boyfriend from 1981-1983, posted the Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson video "Say, Say, Say" on my wall. The video was filmed in Los Alamos in 1983. Patrick and I went down there after Troy heard about it on the radio and told us. They had been filming for three days but we were only there for the last day. We were having breakfast, trying to decide how we were going to get in to see Paul, when a woman approached us and asked us if we wanted to be extras in the video. I had just been hired to work in the office at the Cal Poly Book Store, and I blew off my first day for this!! I spent the day staring at Paul, completely star struck. At the end of the day they gave us each $50. I couldn't believe they were paying me for the best day of my life!! I called Sydney when I got home and I completely lost it - I was crying hysterically and she thought someone had died. I was just beside myself with joy!! You can see me briefly in the video if you don't blink. Linda McCartney yells "Fire!" and we all rush out of the building. I am wearing a green and yellow plaid dress (wardrobe - not my choice)and I'm on the far right of the screen. It's about 4 minutes and 17 seconds in. Seeing that again also made my day. It was so thoughtful of Patrick to find it and send it to me. I really appreciated it.

So, yesterday was a pretty bad day for me, in terms of how miserable I was feeling. My AVID kids, Debra, and Patrick made it better. I'm so grateful to have so many loving, thoughtful people in my life. I'm glad that I tend to keep friendships for years - Debra and I will always be friends - and that I have old boyfriends I'm still in touch with. Sydney laughs at me, but I'm in touch with most of them! I'm extremely grateful for my wonderful students, who send me text messages, Facebook messages and emails of encouragement. These are the things that make me strong and help me to get through the difficult days. I am better today, but will probably still be resting and recovering in bed through the weekend.

Namaste,
Jill

21 Days and My Village

The online fund raiser is now up to $2050! I feel so honored and so blessed. I've had a few requests for the URL, so here it is:

http://www.giveforward.com/kickingcancersbutt

Apparently if you cut and paste it into your browser it works better, they tell me.

Yesterday I felt great for the first time in a week. My energy was good, and I did a fairly vigorous yoga class with Cathy. I was dripping sweat all over my mat and getting toxins out! It was great. I started feeling nauseous the closer it came to time to go in for treatment. The closer we got to the doctor's office the worse it got. I told the nurse I was experiencing psychological nausea and she said it's called "anticipatory nausea" and it's very common. I struggled through my treatment. Dry heaved a few times and came very close to losing it. I threw up a few times last night, but small amounts. I hate the night after treatment - I hate tasting it. This time I felt like I had swallowed a bottle of Vic's Vapor Rub. In short, I was pretty miserable. Better today, and going in for the Neulasta shot didn't seem to have to same effect.

Here's the good news: I have a PET/CT scan scheduled for the 14th, a CA125 blood test on the 17th, and I see my doctor on the 22nd. That means no treatment until after I see him. Starting today, 21 days with no treatment!! I am so happy. I plan to practice yoga like crazy, meditate, talk lots of walks with my dogs and Casey, and eat only organic, cancer fighting food. The food from The Wellness Kitchen is yummy, inexpensive, and overall wonderful! I will also need another massage at some point, too. I'm sure my PET/CT will be clear, since the last one was. Now the focus is to get that CA125 down from 57 and into single digits. That will be my yoga intention and the focus of my meditation: CA125 in single digits (7 would be nice), cancer vanquished, gone forever. Please help me out by putting that into your yoga intention, meditation, or prayers. There is power in the collective consciousness, and the more people who ask the more likely we'll get the desired outcome. Thanks for all of the love, support, hard work on the fund raisers and generous donations. I love my village!

This is Chris and Sue Molina, who are organizing a fund raiser for me, with the help of the AJHS staff, at The Pomar Junction Winery, Saturday, April 30th 5-10 pm.

Namaste, Jill

My Yoga Angel

I wasn't sure I had anything to write about this morning, but then I read my Yogaflirt newsletter. Cathy is, indeed, my yoga angel. A lot of the newsletter is devoted to the upcoming Yogaflirt fund raiser on my behalf. Cathy and the other flirts started planning this before I knew that my pay was going to be affected. She said they decided they wanted to do this for me, and that if we didn't need the money we could use it to take a vacation after my treatment is over. Cathy has done so much for me, and continues to do so much for me, it's difficult to even fathom. The day I walked into her yoga studio was the luckiest day of my life. In my arsenal of weapons to fight cancer, Cathy is one of the strongest. If you are interested in donating something to the auction that is part of the fund raiser, you can contact her at info@yogaflirt.com. If you are a woman who lives in SLO county, I encourage you to give Yogaflirt a try. Not only is it fun, it is a growth experience and a very bonding experience being a part of the Yogaflirt community. I can't wait to be well enough and strong enough to resume my Yogaflirt journey!!

Today is the first day I have felt good since last Wednesday's chemo. Usually I'm OK by Monday and I have two and a half days of being up and feeling well. Yesterday I was too nauseous to go to Cathy's yoga class, and I struggled not to throw up again while I had my blood drawn. I spent the day in bed. My body feels toxic and maxed out on this IV chemo. I am so grateful that today's treatment is the end of this type. I have an appointment with my oncologist on Valentine's Day to discuss the next step. I'll have another CA125 blood test to see how successful these six rounds were before I see him. It looks like I will have two weeks off before whatever comes next, and that is an exciting prospect! I'll have two weeks to do lots of yoga, eat very healthy food, meditate, and get myself geared up for the next phase.

We picked up food from The Wellness Kitchen yesterday, but I have only sampled the broth so far. Julie and Jody came by with their yummy enchiladas and I had to have some. The last time we had them I was too sick to eat them and Casey ate the entire pan in two sittings! They are delicious beyond description. Julie also brought me some books from our mutual friend Natalie. I love getting books! I like for my waiting to be read shelf to be well stocked. I finished the Julia Child book yesterday and I loved it. What a woman! What a life!

So, after today's treatment I will probably be in my bed until next Tuesday or Wednesday. Then I will get up and feel like a normal, healthy person for awhile. I wish I could go back to work, but of course I can't. I miss my kids, my colleagues, my classroom, my routine...I miss my life and I'll be so happy to get back to it one day.

Namaste,
Jill

Today's photo: My yoga angel and her handsome husband!

This is how I look this morning in my beautiful new hat that Kimberly made for me. We turn our heat off at night because of my HOT flashes, so it's pretty cold when we get up. Casey and I are both wearing hats this morning, but mine is much cuter than his!! I just love the daisies!

I only managed to stay up until about 1:00 yesterday, but I did take a walk. I did no housework, so unless I want it to get out of control I really need to at least do some laundry today. Today is a blood draw day, tomorrow is the end of round 6 and IV chemo, and Thursday is my neulasta shot. My fingers are crossed that I get a two week break before we start the IP chemo. Two weeks to feel like a normal person again sounds heavenly. I think it's a good idea for me to get as strong as possible before doing the more intense, harsh chemo. Right now my tongue is white and has cracks in it (sign of illness) and my skin is pale. This is because my blood counts, both red and white, are low. I did not feel as good yesterday as I usually do on a Monday following treatment.

I woke up this morning after 11 hours of sleep and decided to have as normal a day as possible. I had some coffee for the first time since the last treatment. I drink low acid coffee from Trader Joe's because cancer likes an acidic environment. I mix it with a cup of heated coconut milk. Coconut is a cancer fighting food, and my oncologist told me I should not be drinking milk. In a little while I'll make a pot of green tea, also cancer fighting. This afternoon I will pick up my first order of cancer fighting, local, organic food from The Wellness Kitchen. It's all about vanquishing the cancer, for good!

I've been reading about Julia Child in Paris. Actually, they just moved back to the states and I feel sad for them. They loved Paris so much! I told Casey yesterday that someday we are going to Paris together. I've been there with Richard and with Sydney and it was wonderful, but you need to see Paris with someone you are in love with! I also love that city. The book is making me very happy!!

I have finally reached my limit with Charmed. I've seen each episode so many times that I just can't watch anymore. I'm sure that will change after I take a break for awhile, but for now I'm done. Casey and I have been watching Battlestar Gallactica, which was recommended by Janice. I think Casey likes it even more than I do, which makes me laugh! He has no patience for Star Trek, but he loves this one. He keeps watching it at night, I fall asleep and then watch it during the day to catch up. I'm glad the reruns are coming to a end and new shows will be on again. I am so ready for a new Glee! I have never watched this much TV, but it keeps me sane on my days in bed.

I hope everyone is feeling good and doing well. Much love to everyone!

Namaste, Jill