Healing

Today is like a miracle. I woke up feeling better than I have in weeks. I slept reasonably well last night with no sedative, and it was wonderful. I did yoga with Jean an that made me feel even better. Then Casey and I took Jean and Rachel to breakfast. A big day for me. The crippling anxiety that has gripped me for days has lessened considerably. I believe the anxiety was caused by the pain. Between recovering from an abdomen charred with radiation, and my intense back pain for being in bed for 6 weeks, I have been a suffering, miserable, mess. I have done a lot of sobbing, which alarms Casey but I tell him it's good for me to get it out and to just let me do it. I had a few days where I found it helped to moan, so I was moaning on the floor a lot of the time. He joined me sometimes and that helped even more. He has been amazing. Without complaint, he does all of the cooking and shopping, and makes all the meals, he rubs my back, he goes out and get me things that will help or will make me happy, he sings to me to calm me down, he takes my dog for a run even though she has gotten fat and slow and he would rather go alone and have a longer run. I am doing something very right in this life to end up with a man like Casey.

Namaste,
Jill

Things Look Much Better Today

Yesterday I did two things that always make me feel better: I wrote my blog and I practiced my yoga. Spewing out some of my frustration lightened the load, although I felt like a whiny little girl after I posted it. If you knew me when I was a little girl, you'd know that I was whiny! I can hear my mother saying to me: "Stop whining!" A character flaw that is never entirely mastered, apparently. I did some floor yoga and some bed yoga. I stretched out my spine and my hamstrings...basically I just moved for the first time in a while. It was 103 out, so the dogs and I were sequestered in the dark, cold bedroom. Casey played with other Casey at Sylvester's, so he was gone all day. The first part of the day I was very happy because there were episodes of Eureka on that I hadn't seen, in preparation for the Season Premiere next week! Lame to get so happy about a TV show, but it's the little things. I can also see and hear my mom smiling at me and saying: "You are such a simple thing." Under normal circumstances, it doesn't take a lot to make me happy. Lately it has taken more than usual.

This is the most beautiful morning I have seen in a long time. I love summer mornings in Atascadero. I have been up early, writing, two days in a row. I'm on the mend. I'm sure I'll end up back in my bed at some point, but I can see the top of the pit. Thanks to everyone for encouraging me in my journey...

Bella, yesterday:

Namaste,
Jill

Lazy and Crazy

In the past, Casey and I have compared our cancer journey as a tunnel. A long, dark tunnel with a distant light at the end. I would describe the radiation portion differently. It's more like a dark, deep well I was thrown violently into and I'm desperately trying to claw my way up the steep walls on bloody fingernails. I know how dramatic that sounds but I honestly feel like I'm in hell. My bedroom has begun to feel like a prison. I am about to start climbing the walls, and the exercise would do me good. I need to get some energy out so badly, but I have just been too sick to do more than a few simple yoga poses or walk part way around our block. It sucks to have physical limitations and a spirit inside that wants to soar. I feel jumpy. I feel trapped. I want to be well so badly it's a physical ache. Sometimes I worry that I won't get well and that I'll feel like this forever. I know this isn't the case because I am a bit better every day. I can stay up a little bit longer and do a little bit more. It's tricky, deciding how much to push myself without overdoing it. My brain is frying from too much TV stimulus, but I've had a headache for days and reading is challenging. I keep Casey awake at night with my moaning, which I can't seem to help. Two things have developed recently: insomnia and an insatiable appetite. I am hungry all of the time and I'm eating my head off. Combined with no exercise, I'm starting to feel fat and lazy. This is definitely the case with Bella. She is getting so round and at this minute, although I've been up for an hour and Casey and Ben just got up, she is still sleeping and shows no inclination to get up. The dogs and I have been lying in the dark, air-conditioned bedroom for three solid weeks and she has turned lazy. We thought she was getting too fat to escape through the fence, but we discovered she just pushes out two boards now instead of one! It has been three weeks since my last treatment. Surely I will be well and out into the world again soon...

Namaste,
Jill

Baby Steps, again...

Casey gave me a pep talk this morning. Sometimes I need one. The gist of it is that I need to take on smaller goals. When I do manage to get up, I overdo it and then I suffer a decline. Today is Tuesday. Tuesday is Cathy's noon yoga class at Yogaflirt. I look forward to it, and every weekend I promise myself that I will be there. Lise will probably be there, I told Elaine about it and she was excited...I want to go.

However...this morning Casey asked me to get up and spend ten minutes with him while he had coffee. I even agreed to a cup of milky coffee and some toast. I started out sitting at the kitchen table, staring sightlessly at my computer. Next my head drooped to the table top. Casey suggested I return to bed, but instead I got down on the floor, using Bella as my pillow. (Remember, I Spent a great deal of time on the kitchen floor on Dolbeer St!) Anyway, I was up long enough to take two sips of milky coffee and I was back in bed before the toast popped. My heart was pounding and I had to just lie quietly until I started to feel better.

Here's the thing: I feel pretty good when I'm in bed. So good that I'm often bored. If I get up, a walk to the kitchen feels like I ran full speed around the block. My energy is so low that I don't really feel like talking. Or moving.

Anyway, that's where I am at this moment. No yoga for weeks. Jean is unavailable right now. Cathy, I had the best of intentions but I just can't make it to class today, and if I did I doubt I could do much. I'm pretty weak and wobbly. Come see me when you have time, OK? Love you. Jean and/or Rachel, If you're reading we miss you terribly. Sending big love.

Mike Lang, retired art teach from AJHS. I love this photo - it captures the spirit of the event and of Mike, AKA "Langer:"

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Namaste, Jill

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Casey came in bring me dinner last night but I was asleep. I vaguely remember watching Jeopardy. He woke me at 7:15 and insisted I eat some breakfast and drink some water, which I did, without leaving my bed. I promptly went back to sleep and woke up again at 10:30 when he came in to change for a run. I slept close to 15 hours last night. No bad, for a girl who suffers from insomnia. It has been hot this week, so the dogs and I are hiding out in the dark, air conditioned room. It could be January out there for all I know! I feel myself getting stronger. Did some bed yoga yesterday!

Namaste,
Jill

Doctor Visit

we saw my oncologist today. He said that radiation is like getting a sunburn, and that it will take me 4-6 weeks to recover. Excessive exhaustion is normal. I see him again in a month, and in the meantime he just wants me to rest and recover. He said it's like being 8 months old again: I need to focus on eating, sleeping, walking and pooping. What an exciting life for me! It's nice to have no appointments for a month, and it's always nice to see him. He's always so positive.

Afterward we went by the store for a few things and I had to go sit in Stella Blue and wait for Casey. I don't even have the energy to walk around the grocery store. Ugh. So, that's where I am now, ans this is all I feel up to writing. I'm going back to sleep now...

Namaste,
Jill

Ups and Downs

It has been twelve days since my last treatment, and I still feel like hell. My stomach hurts - actually, it's not really my stomach, it's more my abdomen in general. Once again, I slept all day yesterday. I'm so thankful for the AC in our bedroom, since it was 103 here yesterday. Every day I think, this will be the day I can get up and stay up because I'll be feeling better. Every day I get up, read my emails and such and end up right back in bed. At least I have been feeling well enough to read - I have been reading a book a day lately. TV is especially bad in the summer when all of the seasons end. So many channels, so much crap. They make one show that does well and suddenly there are ten of them and more coming. Lately I've been watching Ghost Whisperer on Netflix. I do enjoy those supernatural shows!

I have been eating, but it's difficult. Nothing sounds good, which makes it hard for Casey. I am unable to finish more than half of a meal these days. I had to cancel with Jean Monday and I didn't make it to Cathy's class yesterday. Actually, I slept through it. I went back to sleep around 11 and didn't wake up until almost 4! I hate feeling so weak and useless.

I'm sure I will be feeling better in a day or so. I need to get started on building up my immune system and just generally getting stronger. I need my energy back!

I've been up for half an hour, I ate a piece and a half of toast, and I'm going back to bed now. I love my bedroom but I'm really getting sick of it - I'm going to have to repaint and make some changes at some point when this is all over.

Casey, loving on Bella:

Namaste,
Jill