Another Obstacle

The biopsy I has last week confirmed that there is cancer in me again, or still. Next Tuesday I will have my first treatment. This seems like round three to me, but perhaps it is just an extension of round two. No surgery this time. The drugs are Dioxin and Avastin. The hope is that this will cause the tumor to shrink, and then I'll get healthy enough for my immune system to do the rest. I'll have a treatment every three weeks and a CA125 prior to each treatment to see if it's working.

I will not be going back to work to start off the school year. I really thought I'd only miss part or half of last year, and here it is a whole year later and it's starting all over again just when I thought it was over. I hope I get to back soon. It's breaking my heart, not teaching and having all those kids in my life on a daily basis.

The good news is that I have been feeling better lately. I am no longer sleeping all day, and I have been getting out and doing things with friends and with Casey.

Here's my new do, thanks to Lizette who came to my house to cut and color my hair:

N

Namaste, Jill

Update

My CT/biopsy will be Thursday at French hospital. I have to be there at 1:00 but the scan and biopsy won't happen until 3:00. No food or liquid prior - how fun for me. At least I don't have to drink that gross barium stuff. I won't see my oncologist until a week later because he will be on vacation. My latest CA125 is 85, which is up 5 points, 50 points higher than normal, but much lower than it has been when cancer was present. I'm thinking my belly is still fried from the radiation and it's keeping the number up. I don't see how cancer could be growing in there after all of the chemo and radiation I have endured.

I called my big brother and told him we are not going to be able to take our trip to the Smith river with them. Casey and I are heartbroken over this, but it can't be helped. Casey says we will go as soon as I'm well. Casey and I have not had much of a summer. In fact, I will be very glad to see the end of 2011. It has not been a good year for me in many ways.

I am back on track with my medications, and I am sleeping close to 20 hours a day. It helps with the boredom! I am not answering my phone much, since I tend to be asleep when people call and I also just don't really feel like talking. I apologize to everyone whose calls I haven't returned, and to several people who have been wanting to come see me and bring me a present. Hopefully I'll be feeling better and more social very soon.

In the meantime, I am spending lots of time sleeping with Bella during the day and with Casey at night. I am just loads of fun these days!

Namaste,
Jill

Feeling Slammed

Just when I think I've turned a corner and I'm going to be well, I get slammed back down again. Whatever is going on with my gall bladder, or near it, is making me very nauseous. I'm taking two different anti-nausea medications to keep it under control. Last weekend I ran out of one of them without realizing it and I paid the price. I had a miserable night of dry heaving until Casey went to the pharmacy at 4:30 am to get my prescription. Bless my husband and Walgreen's 24 hour pharmacy. I got it under control, but I am still having trouble eating and being up. Apparently there are lots of people who need ultrasounds and as of Friday they hadn't found an available room and doctor at the same time. Sarah from RDC (Radiology Diagnostic Center) in Templeton has been working on it, and finally she just called the doctor my oncologist asked for directly. He said he'd do a CT guided biopsy instead and we're all hoping for Tuesday. Until we figure out what is causing this I won't be well. It all started during my last five radiation treatments, and I really think it pissed off my gall bladder somehow. I doubt that cancer could manifest right after chemo and radiation.

Casey and I are still hoping to make our trip north, but it all depends on when I get the biopsy and when they can figure out what's wrong and try to fix it.

It has been almost a year since this stupid cancer came back to try and get me. I refuse to let it win. Hopefully they will find the problem and there will be a simple fix. Meanwhile, I miss writing my blog and I'll try to do it more often.

Thanks for all of the love and support. Namaste, Jill

Getting out into the world, a bit

It's a beautiful morning here in A-town, and I'm Just sitting here trying to decide what to write. I have been sleeping 15-20 hours a day, so my world is pretty small right now. I'm wearing a patch with pain medication, and it makes me want to sleeeeeep for days. It's better than insomnia, that's for sure.

I'm going to lunch with Debbie and Amelia today. It will be good to get out and see my friends. Sydney and Yvonne are coming this afternoon and going to the fair to see Kid Rock. I haven't seen Sydney in Awhile, so I'm excited and I love Yvonne, too!

We will be leaving a week from tomorrow to head north. We'll make a bed in the back of Stella for me and the dogs - good thing we have Stella Blue, or I probably wouldn't be going. I think the redwoods and the Smith river will have a powerful healing effect on me. When we get home from the Smith I'll have a week and then...back to work! I'm pretty excited about that.

I think I'll go back to bed for awhile now. I am going to try to get back into my daily writing routine.

Namaste,
Jill

Here's me and Bella, in bed together:

I had fun last weekend. I actually left the house and had some fun! Our friend Troy was playing at the Carlton. Danny also came for the weekend and he brought ahi and made dinner Friday night, and Saturday night he brought me chocolate cake. Danny is a most excellent friend! Richard and Mary came too, and we all went to see Troy and Eddie at the Carlton. Casey got up and played guitar and sang a few songs with Eddie. It was great, so good for Casey to have so much fun.

I started feeling better last Friday. I had a massage and a chakra balancing session with my friend Linda. It was truly amazing. I could feel that my heart and my solar plexus chakras were blocked, and I felt it when they opened up. I could feel the energy and Susan and Linda could see it in the pendulum Linda was using. I felt euphoric for days afterward. That Friday I stayed up the rest of the day, cleaning up around the house a bit.
I walked the block without having to stop ten times, and I slept that night and the night after for ten hours.

I had a CT/PET scan last week and something showed up near my gall bladder. Could be a few things, but cancer is certainly a possibility. More tests this week. It's really hard for me to write right now - lots of typos. I am very out of practice. I do believe I'm going back to sleep now.

Me and Troy in June:

Namaste,
Jill

My Couch

Last night my bed felt like a prison. I knew sleep was not a possibility, so I got up and took my third steaming hot bath of the day. It helps my aching back. I soaked by candlelight in my Moroccan Rose Oil (By REN, I'm addicted to it) and tried to relax. I have a whirling dervish of a stress ball running loose inside of me. Anxiety run amok. I figure it's probably due to a combination of things: repressed emotions, unexpressed physical energy, fear and pain. After my bath I did a few yoga stretches then did legs up the wall and continued to try to relax. I could not face the bed again, so I moved to the couch. Sydney's right - it's a great couch for sleeping. The minute I got comfy - legs on my heart pillow, pretty much in savasana on the couch - I knew I would be able to sleep. Once I got the dogs back into the bedroom I fell asleep and slept soundly until Casey got up. I drowsed while he did phase one of his work day and I got up when the pancakes were ready. I just took my first hot bath of the day (Hooray for cool Weather in July in A-town!) and I'm back on the couch. I had to write for as long as I could today, and that's it for today. I'm hoping to sleep all day on my wonderful couch.

I believe I'm on my way back up.

Namaste,
Jill

Healing

Today is like a miracle. I woke up feeling better than I have in weeks. I slept reasonably well last night with no sedative, and it was wonderful. I did yoga with Jean an that made me feel even better. Then Casey and I took Jean and Rachel to breakfast. A big day for me. The crippling anxiety that has gripped me for days has lessened considerably. I believe the anxiety was caused by the pain. Between recovering from an abdomen charred with radiation, and my intense back pain for being in bed for 6 weeks, I have been a suffering, miserable, mess. I have done a lot of sobbing, which alarms Casey but I tell him it's good for me to get it out and to just let me do it. I had a few days where I found it helped to moan, so I was moaning on the floor a lot of the time. He joined me sometimes and that helped even more. He has been amazing. Without complaint, he does all of the cooking and shopping, and makes all the meals, he rubs my back, he goes out and get me things that will help or will make me happy, he sings to me to calm me down, he takes my dog for a run even though she has gotten fat and slow and he would rather go alone and have a longer run. I am doing something very right in this life to end up with a man like Casey.

Namaste,
Jill