Feeling Slammed

Just when I think I've turned a corner and I'm going to be well, I get slammed back down again. Whatever is going on with my gall bladder, or near it, is making me very nauseous. I'm taking two different anti-nausea medications to keep it under control. Last weekend I ran out of one of them without realizing it and I paid the price. I had a miserable night of dry heaving until Casey went to the pharmacy at 4:30 am to get my prescription. Bless my husband and Walgreen's 24 hour pharmacy. I got it under control, but I am still having trouble eating and being up. Apparently there are lots of people who need ultrasounds and as of Friday they hadn't found an available room and doctor at the same time. Sarah from RDC (Radiology Diagnostic Center) in Templeton has been working on it, and finally she just called the doctor my oncologist asked for directly. He said he'd do a CT guided biopsy instead and we're all hoping for Tuesday. Until we figure out what is causing this I won't be well. It all started during my last five radiation treatments, and I really think it pissed off my gall bladder somehow. I doubt that cancer could manifest right after chemo and radiation.

Casey and I are still hoping to make our trip north, but it all depends on when I get the biopsy and when they can figure out what's wrong and try to fix it.

It has been almost a year since this stupid cancer came back to try and get me. I refuse to let it win. Hopefully they will find the problem and there will be a simple fix. Meanwhile, I miss writing my blog and I'll try to do it more often.

Thanks for all of the love and support. Namaste, Jill

Getting out into the world, a bit

It's a beautiful morning here in A-town, and I'm Just sitting here trying to decide what to write. I have been sleeping 15-20 hours a day, so my world is pretty small right now. I'm wearing a patch with pain medication, and it makes me want to sleeeeeep for days. It's better than insomnia, that's for sure.

I'm going to lunch with Debbie and Amelia today. It will be good to get out and see my friends. Sydney and Yvonne are coming this afternoon and going to the fair to see Kid Rock. I haven't seen Sydney in Awhile, so I'm excited and I love Yvonne, too!

We will be leaving a week from tomorrow to head north. We'll make a bed in the back of Stella for me and the dogs - good thing we have Stella Blue, or I probably wouldn't be going. I think the redwoods and the Smith river will have a powerful healing effect on me. When we get home from the Smith I'll have a week and then...back to work! I'm pretty excited about that.

I think I'll go back to bed for awhile now. I am going to try to get back into my daily writing routine.

Namaste,
Jill

Here's me and Bella, in bed together:

I had fun last weekend. I actually left the house and had some fun! Our friend Troy was playing at the Carlton. Danny also came for the weekend and he brought ahi and made dinner Friday night, and Saturday night he brought me chocolate cake. Danny is a most excellent friend! Richard and Mary came too, and we all went to see Troy and Eddie at the Carlton. Casey got up and played guitar and sang a few songs with Eddie. It was great, so good for Casey to have so much fun.

I started feeling better last Friday. I had a massage and a chakra balancing session with my friend Linda. It was truly amazing. I could feel that my heart and my solar plexus chakras were blocked, and I felt it when they opened up. I could feel the energy and Susan and Linda could see it in the pendulum Linda was using. I felt euphoric for days afterward. That Friday I stayed up the rest of the day, cleaning up around the house a bit.
I walked the block without having to stop ten times, and I slept that night and the night after for ten hours.

I had a CT/PET scan last week and something showed up near my gall bladder. Could be a few things, but cancer is certainly a possibility. More tests this week. It's really hard for me to write right now - lots of typos. I am very out of practice. I do believe I'm going back to sleep now.

Me and Troy in June:

Namaste,
Jill

My Couch

Last night my bed felt like a prison. I knew sleep was not a possibility, so I got up and took my third steaming hot bath of the day. It helps my aching back. I soaked by candlelight in my Moroccan Rose Oil (By REN, I'm addicted to it) and tried to relax. I have a whirling dervish of a stress ball running loose inside of me. Anxiety run amok. I figure it's probably due to a combination of things: repressed emotions, unexpressed physical energy, fear and pain. After my bath I did a few yoga stretches then did legs up the wall and continued to try to relax. I could not face the bed again, so I moved to the couch. Sydney's right - it's a great couch for sleeping. The minute I got comfy - legs on my heart pillow, pretty much in savasana on the couch - I knew I would be able to sleep. Once I got the dogs back into the bedroom I fell asleep and slept soundly until Casey got up. I drowsed while he did phase one of his work day and I got up when the pancakes were ready. I just took my first hot bath of the day (Hooray for cool Weather in July in A-town!) and I'm back on the couch. I had to write for as long as I could today, and that's it for today. I'm hoping to sleep all day on my wonderful couch.

I believe I'm on my way back up.

Namaste,
Jill

Healing

Today is like a miracle. I woke up feeling better than I have in weeks. I slept reasonably well last night with no sedative, and it was wonderful. I did yoga with Jean an that made me feel even better. Then Casey and I took Jean and Rachel to breakfast. A big day for me. The crippling anxiety that has gripped me for days has lessened considerably. I believe the anxiety was caused by the pain. Between recovering from an abdomen charred with radiation, and my intense back pain for being in bed for 6 weeks, I have been a suffering, miserable, mess. I have done a lot of sobbing, which alarms Casey but I tell him it's good for me to get it out and to just let me do it. I had a few days where I found it helped to moan, so I was moaning on the floor a lot of the time. He joined me sometimes and that helped even more. He has been amazing. Without complaint, he does all of the cooking and shopping, and makes all the meals, he rubs my back, he goes out and get me things that will help or will make me happy, he sings to me to calm me down, he takes my dog for a run even though she has gotten fat and slow and he would rather go alone and have a longer run. I am doing something very right in this life to end up with a man like Casey.

Namaste,
Jill

Things Look Much Better Today

Yesterday I did two things that always make me feel better: I wrote my blog and I practiced my yoga. Spewing out some of my frustration lightened the load, although I felt like a whiny little girl after I posted it. If you knew me when I was a little girl, you'd know that I was whiny! I can hear my mother saying to me: "Stop whining!" A character flaw that is never entirely mastered, apparently. I did some floor yoga and some bed yoga. I stretched out my spine and my hamstrings...basically I just moved for the first time in a while. It was 103 out, so the dogs and I were sequestered in the dark, cold bedroom. Casey played with other Casey at Sylvester's, so he was gone all day. The first part of the day I was very happy because there were episodes of Eureka on that I hadn't seen, in preparation for the Season Premiere next week! Lame to get so happy about a TV show, but it's the little things. I can also see and hear my mom smiling at me and saying: "You are such a simple thing." Under normal circumstances, it doesn't take a lot to make me happy. Lately it has taken more than usual.

This is the most beautiful morning I have seen in a long time. I love summer mornings in Atascadero. I have been up early, writing, two days in a row. I'm on the mend. I'm sure I'll end up back in my bed at some point, but I can see the top of the pit. Thanks to everyone for encouraging me in my journey...

Bella, yesterday:

Namaste,
Jill

Lazy and Crazy

In the past, Casey and I have compared our cancer journey as a tunnel. A long, dark tunnel with a distant light at the end. I would describe the radiation portion differently. It's more like a dark, deep well I was thrown violently into and I'm desperately trying to claw my way up the steep walls on bloody fingernails. I know how dramatic that sounds but I honestly feel like I'm in hell. My bedroom has begun to feel like a prison. I am about to start climbing the walls, and the exercise would do me good. I need to get some energy out so badly, but I have just been too sick to do more than a few simple yoga poses or walk part way around our block. It sucks to have physical limitations and a spirit inside that wants to soar. I feel jumpy. I feel trapped. I want to be well so badly it's a physical ache. Sometimes I worry that I won't get well and that I'll feel like this forever. I know this isn't the case because I am a bit better every day. I can stay up a little bit longer and do a little bit more. It's tricky, deciding how much to push myself without overdoing it. My brain is frying from too much TV stimulus, but I've had a headache for days and reading is challenging. I keep Casey awake at night with my moaning, which I can't seem to help. Two things have developed recently: insomnia and an insatiable appetite. I am hungry all of the time and I'm eating my head off. Combined with no exercise, I'm starting to feel fat and lazy. This is definitely the case with Bella. She is getting so round and at this minute, although I've been up for an hour and Casey and Ben just got up, she is still sleeping and shows no inclination to get up. The dogs and I have been lying in the dark, air-conditioned bedroom for three solid weeks and she has turned lazy. We thought she was getting too fat to escape through the fence, but we discovered she just pushes out two boards now instead of one! It has been three weeks since my last treatment. Surely I will be well and out into the world again soon...

Namaste,
Jill