Saturday, July 2, 2011

Lazy and Crazy

In the past, Casey and I have compared our cancer journey as a tunnel. A long, dark tunnel with a distant light at the end. I would describe the radiation portion differently. It's more like a dark, deep well I was thrown violently into and I'm desperately trying to claw my way up the steep walls on bloody fingernails. I know how dramatic that sounds but I honestly feel like I'm in hell. My bedroom has begun to feel like a prison. I am about to start climbing the walls, and the exercise would do me good. I need to get some energy out so badly, but I have just been too sick to do more than a few simple yoga poses or walk part way around our block. It sucks to have physical limitations and a spirit inside that wants to soar. I feel jumpy. I feel trapped. I want to be well so badly it's a physical ache. Sometimes I worry that I won't get well and that I'll feel like this forever. I know this isn't the case because I am a bit better every day. I can stay up a little bit longer and do a little bit more. It's tricky, deciding how much to push myself without overdoing it. My brain is frying from too much TV stimulus, but I've had a headache for days and reading is challenging. I keep Casey awake at night with my moaning, which I can't seem to help. Two things have developed recently: insomnia and an insatiable appetite. I am hungry all of the time and I'm eating my head off. Combined with no exercise, I'm starting to feel fat and lazy. This is definitely the case with Bella. She is getting so round and at this minute, although I've been up for an hour and Casey and Ben just got up, she is still sleeping and shows no inclination to get up. The dogs and I have been lying in the dark, air-conditioned bedroom for three solid weeks and she has turned lazy. We thought she was getting too fat to escape through the fence, but we discovered she just pushes out two boards now instead of one! It has been three weeks since my last treatment. Surely I will be well and out into the world again soon...


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