Hubris

I went into this recurrence full of hubris, thinking I had two years of yoga, yogaflirt, and lots of physical and spiritual strength behind me. My attitude was "I can take it" and "I'm going to kick cancer's sorry ass." What I failed to realize was the cancer had that same two years to regroup and gain strength. My doctors thought the surgery would be much easier and that there was much less cancer. We were all wrong. This time, one of the tumors had attached itself to my colon via my blood vessels. This made for a difficult surgery and meant cutting my colon and then putting it back together. They had to remove a lymph node from my right leg, at the crease where your leg meets your body. This involved cutting through the muscle and replacing the muscle with mesh. When I walk, it feels like the skin on my leg is not long enough and it's painful. The skin on my belly also feels a few inches too short. This makes walking difficult, and I'm supposed to be walking to regain my strength. Ugh. I do my best, but I am not walking as much as I did the first time around.

I've had one chemo treatment so far. It is much lighter chemo than last time - I maxed out on Taxol and can't have it again. The nausea the next few days was debilitating. The medicine to control it makes me sleep, and it has not been unusual for me to sleep almost around the clock. This is why I have not been writing, answering phone calls, and seeing many visitors. I am either asleep or miserable!

Still, I am strong, and I will get though this. Casey is an amazing caregiver. Every day I am grateful that he is here with me, every step of the way. Susan has been coming once a week to clean, grocery shop, etc. Sydney comes every weekend she can to give Casey a break, do laundry and errands, and keep me company. Nurse Linda came my first week home and got me eating and helped control the nausea - nurses are angels and I'm glad she's our friend. I appreciate all of the messages, cards, emails, prayers, yoga intentions, etc. I'm feelin' the love and it helps me stay strong.

Tomorrow is my 50th birthday. I will be celebrating it by going to see my oncologist and having a blood draw before my second chemo the following day. I think this birthday will end up being celebrated in the spring - it's my birthyear instead!

Namaste, Jill