Thursday, October 21, 2010

Weathering the Storm

I am feeling pretty good today, after yesterday's chemo. My white cell count is down, however, so today I go in for a Neulasta shot. It causes the bone marrow to produce new white cells, so it makes your bones ache. Reminds me of Harry Potter, spending the night in the infirmary regrowing his arm bone with "skeleton grow." At least mine won't be that painful!!

Casey told me yesterday that I am much stronger than he would be in my place. I told him that, until it happens to you, you don't really know how you will respond. Everyone admires my strength, but what is the alternative, really? Cursing my fate is counterproductive to the fight and to the healing process. I know that I am very fortunate to have had a very strong mother who modeled strength, every day of her life. It is she who taught me, through example, to be strong. I thank her for that and I know she is with me now, offering comfort and cheering me on.

I have come a long way. I had some serious health issues as an infant and small child that involved lots of doctor's visits. I was so afraid of doctors they tell me I would scream whenever I saw a man wearing a white coat, no matter what the circumstance. Having blood taken was always a terrifying ordeal for me. Now, after all I've been through, needles are no big deal. I've had a tube coming out my neck, a tube coming out of my nose, countless blood draws, daily shots in my stomach while in the hospital, chemo going into my stomach through a port, and now also a port in my chest to save my poor, abused veins. None of this phases me. It's what I have to do to survive, so it's worth it.

I don't rail at fate, get angry that the monster is after me (taken from one of Casey's songs), or fear I will lose my battle. I feel strong and confident that I am on the right path. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I will get through this, with the help and love of my husband, friends, family, and all of the students who love me. The amount of love coming my way every day keeps me going.

"So here I am, just waiting for this storm to pass me by. That's the sound of sunshine, coming down..."Michael Franti, of course!!

Namaste, Jill

3 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your strength with all of us...you rock girl!!!! hugs and kisses to you!

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  2. Glad to see we have two posts in two days!!! Pure Strength. Love the quote. You are the Sunshine!

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  3. Great words of wisdom, Jill. If only more humans saw life the way you (and Michael!) do. xox

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