Cathy is so wise, and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. I told her I was staying awake during the days for fear it would make the nights even worse. She explained that when I do that, my body produces adrenaline and then at night I can't sleep because of it. She advised me to sleep whenever my body wants to and then sleep will come easier at night. She's right! I slept the weekend away. Yesterday I was up long enough to have something to eat and write my blog, then I went back to sleep. I slept until 3:00 in the afternoon and went back to sleep at 9:30 and slept until 7:00 this morning. My nausea went from a 9 (scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst) down to a 3. It will escalate when I go back for treatment this afternoon, but for now I am up, drinking my milky coffee and doing laundry. Thanks for your wisdom, yoga angel. You rock!
I haven't had a treatment since Friday, so Monday is my best day. I'm excited that next weekend is Memorial Day, so I will have three days to recover and I'll feel good on Tuesday! A lot of old friends are coming to town next weekend, and it would be nice if my nausea wasn't at a 9 while they're here. I know I'm going to have to miss all of the bands playing at Sweet Springs (Rockin' Down Memory Lane), but hopefully I'll feel up to dinner with everyone Saturday night. If you are part of the Rock n' Roll group of friends from the '80's and you're reading this, dinner at my house on June 4. I won't be the one cooking, I'll be the one huddled in a chair trying to control my nausea.
I continue to be grateful for my yoga teachers, my village, my wonderful husband, my king sized bed and my Google TV. These people and things are getting me through this. The middle of this week will mark the half way point for this treatment. The end of this treatment will mark the end of my cancer treatment, forever. I do not intend to go through this again. Every time I have a radiation treatment, I visualize beams zapping the cancer into oblivion and creating fireworks that go out int the universe and harmlessly disintegrate into nothingness. Radiation is so harsh that I don't see how the cancer could survive.
Namaste,
Jill
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Still Here on May 22!
I have radiation treatment M-F and then have the weekend to recover. Yesterday I felt worse than I have all week, but today I do feel better. I managed to get some natural sleep last night, although I was up five times to pee - side effect of the radiation, I assume. I was awake at 4 and my belly was empty, which makes it hard to sleep. I ate yesterday, but I didn't manage to finish anything. I get to the point where I know I can't swallow another bite without it coming back up. So, at 4 am I had half a bagel and a glass of milk. Then I took two Ativan, which is both an anti-nausea and an anti-anxiety sedative, and I slept until 11! That is unheard of, for me. I woke up feeling better than I have since this started. I had coffee for the first time, if you can call it that. In my large cup is about 5% very weak acid-free coffee, mixed in with 95% hot milk. You can see why I call it "Milky coffee." I get a little bit of coffee flavor without upsetting my stomach. I ate two toaster waffles with cream cheese and apple butter, and that is the most I've eaten since this started. My doctor has been very concerned about my weight, and I have now gone down another pound for a total of six. It makes my ports stick out even more!
I have had to temporarily abandon my anti-cancer diet. Right now it's about whatever I can manage to swallow. At a certain point, my throat rebels and there's no way another bite is getting through. Everything that Casey offers me sounds disgusting. I really can't tell if I can manage something until I try. A dish that works one day repulses me the next. I have not been eating any dairy for months, but now I find that a large glass of organic milk soothes my stomach and makes me feel better. I've also been eating Haagen Daaz mango sherbert. It's not sweet enough to make me sick, it just makes me feel good. I eat it in very small amounts - in a Fiesta tea cup.
Two weeks down and four to go. This is the real test of my strength. I know I have to power through this to find my permanent remission, but sometimes I wonder how I'm going to be able to stick it out. I keep reminding myself that I felt much worse during the two months after the surgery when I didn't get out of bed and had no contact with just a few people - mostly Casey.
Casey helps me to hang on. He is so good to me, and so cheerful all of the time. His strength lends itself to mine, and together we are facing the cancer beast down. I believe I am meant to survive this, and that the universe gave me the tools I need to do so: Casey, Yoga, Cathy, Jean, The Wellness Kitchen, Dr. Spillane, my always positive and wonderful oncologist, Dr. O'Hanlan, my wonderful surgeon, Dr. Prewitt, who saved my life by referring me to Dr. O'Hanlan, all of the many wonderful nurses we have encountered, and of course, the family, friends and colleagues who make up my village. These are the things and the people that keep me strong. I can't believe this has taken the entire school year. I am so excited to get back into my classroom in August and start my life again!
Namaste,
Jill
I have had to temporarily abandon my anti-cancer diet. Right now it's about whatever I can manage to swallow. At a certain point, my throat rebels and there's no way another bite is getting through. Everything that Casey offers me sounds disgusting. I really can't tell if I can manage something until I try. A dish that works one day repulses me the next. I have not been eating any dairy for months, but now I find that a large glass of organic milk soothes my stomach and makes me feel better. I've also been eating Haagen Daaz mango sherbert. It's not sweet enough to make me sick, it just makes me feel good. I eat it in very small amounts - in a Fiesta tea cup.
Two weeks down and four to go. This is the real test of my strength. I know I have to power through this to find my permanent remission, but sometimes I wonder how I'm going to be able to stick it out. I keep reminding myself that I felt much worse during the two months after the surgery when I didn't get out of bed and had no contact with just a few people - mostly Casey.
Casey helps me to hang on. He is so good to me, and so cheerful all of the time. His strength lends itself to mine, and together we are facing the cancer beast down. I believe I am meant to survive this, and that the universe gave me the tools I need to do so: Casey, Yoga, Cathy, Jean, The Wellness Kitchen, Dr. Spillane, my always positive and wonderful oncologist, Dr. O'Hanlan, my wonderful surgeon, Dr. Prewitt, who saved my life by referring me to Dr. O'Hanlan, all of the many wonderful nurses we have encountered, and of course, the family, friends and colleagues who make up my village. These are the things and the people that keep me strong. I can't believe this has taken the entire school year. I am so excited to get back into my classroom in August and start my life again!
Namaste,
Jill
Friday, May 20, 2011
Zappin' that Nasty Cancer
I really liked Dani's comment after yesterday's post: "Having an intention that is specific and devotional is the most amazing way to fight for or against ANYTHING!" Wise words from a wise woman. I have been using visualization and putting my desire to beat this cancer into my yoga intentions from the beginning. It was Cathy, my yoga angel, who told me I need to be very specific. Not just to beat cancer, but to beat it for good. Every day on the table, when the radiation beam goes on, I visualize rays zapping the cancer cells into oblivion. There are explosions going on in my imagination. At night when I am having trouble sleeping, I repeat a mantra to myself - My cancer is gone, and it is gone forever. I know there are many people out there putting me into their yoga intentions and praying for me. I believe this helps. The more positive energy going out into the universe on my behalf, the better. I appreciate everyone who is helping me out in this way.
I put a post on the ovarian cancer list serve, asking for advice on dealing with this radiation. A woman responded, and gave me the email address of a woman who dealt with it and has not had a recurrence since 1999. She said she only knows of two women who have had radiation, but both of them have not needed any other treatment since. So good to hear, particularly after another night of little sleep.
I have been afflicted with insomnia for years. It used to be that it only happened if, for some reason, I didn't get enough exercise. I have always been a high energy person. Even at 40, in the summer there were days where I would go to two aerobic classes, take my dogs hiking on the trail, and then go dancing at night. Most days, when I'm well, I 'll go to a yoga class and take my dog for a walk or a hike. Right now I am struggling a bit with yoga and yesterday my walk was half its usual length. I felt awful afterward. I am spending the majority of my time in bed, watching streaming Netflix shows on my Google TV. At night, the only way I can sleep is to take an Ambien. Ambien puts me to sleep for 3 1/2 to 4 hours and then I'm tossing and turning. They gave me 12.5 milligram time released Ambien and the pharmacist said it would put most people out for 20 hours. We had to pay for it because insurance refused, and it was around $200. It doesn't work any better than the regular 10 mg variety. I spend a lot of time at night repeating my affirmation and listening to the sounds of a sleeping husband and two sleeping dogs.
I will be so glad when all of this is over, and I can go back to the yoga studio on a daily basis, go back to Yoga Flirt, go back to hiking the trail with Bella, and in general just go back to having a life. Alfredo, the very sweet radiation tech, apologized to me yesterday for "Having to do this to you." I told him that, as hard as it is, if it saves me from ever having another recurrence/surgery it would be worth it. I'm thrilled to hear about two women who went down this path and found their long term remission.
With most cancers, five years NED (no evidence of disease) takes you from remission to cure. This is not true with ovarian and fallopian tube cancer. We have to remain vigilant for the rest of our lives. Even after five years, it's in remission but not cured. It can, and often does, recur at any time. This is why my intentions and affirmations must be very specific. Those of you are who sending out those positive vibes on my behalf, in whatever form, I would ask that you be specific. I will beat this cancer, and it will NEVER come back, either as a recurrence or as a secondary cancer. Unfortunately, the chemo and the radiation cause cancer, so a secondary cancer is a risk, too. Oh, the irony of it all.
Many technologies from Star Trek have come true. I'm hoping for a transporter, where they can program out the cancer cells before sending you through.
Namaste,
Jill
I put a post on the ovarian cancer list serve, asking for advice on dealing with this radiation. A woman responded, and gave me the email address of a woman who dealt with it and has not had a recurrence since 1999. She said she only knows of two women who have had radiation, but both of them have not needed any other treatment since. So good to hear, particularly after another night of little sleep.
I have been afflicted with insomnia for years. It used to be that it only happened if, for some reason, I didn't get enough exercise. I have always been a high energy person. Even at 40, in the summer there were days where I would go to two aerobic classes, take my dogs hiking on the trail, and then go dancing at night. Most days, when I'm well, I 'll go to a yoga class and take my dog for a walk or a hike. Right now I am struggling a bit with yoga and yesterday my walk was half its usual length. I felt awful afterward. I am spending the majority of my time in bed, watching streaming Netflix shows on my Google TV. At night, the only way I can sleep is to take an Ambien. Ambien puts me to sleep for 3 1/2 to 4 hours and then I'm tossing and turning. They gave me 12.5 milligram time released Ambien and the pharmacist said it would put most people out for 20 hours. We had to pay for it because insurance refused, and it was around $200. It doesn't work any better than the regular 10 mg variety. I spend a lot of time at night repeating my affirmation and listening to the sounds of a sleeping husband and two sleeping dogs.
I will be so glad when all of this is over, and I can go back to the yoga studio on a daily basis, go back to Yoga Flirt, go back to hiking the trail with Bella, and in general just go back to having a life. Alfredo, the very sweet radiation tech, apologized to me yesterday for "Having to do this to you." I told him that, as hard as it is, if it saves me from ever having another recurrence/surgery it would be worth it. I'm thrilled to hear about two women who went down this path and found their long term remission.
With most cancers, five years NED (no evidence of disease) takes you from remission to cure. This is not true with ovarian and fallopian tube cancer. We have to remain vigilant for the rest of our lives. Even after five years, it's in remission but not cured. It can, and often does, recur at any time. This is why my intentions and affirmations must be very specific. Those of you are who sending out those positive vibes on my behalf, in whatever form, I would ask that you be specific. I will beat this cancer, and it will NEVER come back, either as a recurrence or as a secondary cancer. Unfortunately, the chemo and the radiation cause cancer, so a secondary cancer is a risk, too. Oh, the irony of it all.
Many technologies from Star Trek have come true. I'm hoping for a transporter, where they can program out the cancer cells before sending you through.
Namaste,
Jill
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The Not So Silent Killer
Yesterday I finished reading a book that was written by women who survived ovarian cancer. Every woman's story is different, but they all had symptoms at an early stage. Doctors call it the "silent disease" because they think it has no overt symptoms. One of the main points that the book makes is that this is a misconception, and if doctors investigated more thoroughly, most women would be diagnosed in the early stages of the disease. It is the #4 killer of women simply because of the late stage diagnoses. A vaginal ultrasound, a CT scan, a rectal exam, or a CA125 could make the difference between life and death. It affects women of all ages, often with no cancer in their families. One particularly harrowing account was from a woman who was diagnosed while her baby was being delivered by c-section. What was inspiring for me is that many of the women were diagnosed at stage IIIC or IV, the final two stages, and they survived. I was diagnosed at IIIC, but I had symptoms for a few years before I was diagnosed. I have to question the quality of American medical schools when doctors are so ignorant about this disease and in most schools they receive no instruction in nutrition at all. There is a program where ovarian cancer survivors speak to medical school students to familiarize them with the symptoms of the disease. I wish there was one near us so I could get involved. Women, parents and doctors need to be educated about this so more women can survive. There needs to be a more reliable screening test than the CA125 so that every woman can be screened annually. I have so many friends whose mothers died of ovarian or fallopian tube cancer. The treatment has improved, so more women survive today, but I can tell you the treatment is hell. The surgery is hell, the chemo is hell, the radiation is hell...it's all hell. I intend to be one of the women who survive.
Namaste,
Jill
Namaste,
Jill
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Rambling Thoughts
Here's me doing Bakasana, or crow pose:
Recently I rediscovered Bakasana and am gradually holding it longer each time. My cousin Becca did it on her first try! It's harder than it looks. Did you see Conan trying to do it? His guest had ripped arms and she said all she does is yoga. The uninitiated tend to think yoga is gentle, non-cardio, and probably easy. It's much harder than anything I ever did in a gym, it makes you sweat, it gets your heart rate up, it feels fantastic, and it gives you an awesome body - yoga butts are the best!! Add to that the mental and spiritual benefits and it's magical. So grateful for Michael Franti and his yoga at Power to the Peaceful, because that's where it all started.
Michael is going to tour with Casey's hero - Carlos Santana. Hoping they add another CA show - only one so far is Chula Vista.
Can you tell I'm feeling better? Either my body is adjusting to the radiation or I finally got enough Zofran into me. I still feel nauseous, but yesterday I was able to get out of bed and do the laundry. I have today off to recover because my doctor was concerned that I wasn't handling it well. I'm grateful, but I will probably do five days next week. Skipping days adds more time to the end. Ugh.
I keep finding TV shows that I like in Netflix that are canceled after a season, or in one case after only 7 episodes. I finished the first season of Flashforward last night. It ended on a cliffhanger, or course, and then I discover it was canceled. I had to put the book it was based on onto my Kindle. I think there are so many channels, and so many shows, that people don't know about them. Personally, I think it was better when there were just a few channels and people had one TV. TV was family time, everyone watched together, and everyone watched the same shows. There's a lot of crap on. Most of my students have a TV in their room and I think that's bad! We have HBO and we rarely watch it. They run the same movies over and over and they tend to be movies we didn't want to see in the first place. My sister-in-law, Tracy, introduced me to Doctor Who. I can't believe I never knew about it before! If you like Sci Fi, it's great. It's apparently the longest running show on BBC. It's campy and I love it! I DVR'd it for Tracy and now it's taking over our DVR - it's on constantly. How did I miss this?
Time to go do a yoga session with Jean and Rachel. I will feel even better about 9:30. Yoga, yoga, yoga!!
Namaste,
Jill
Recently I rediscovered Bakasana and am gradually holding it longer each time. My cousin Becca did it on her first try! It's harder than it looks. Did you see Conan trying to do it? His guest had ripped arms and she said all she does is yoga. The uninitiated tend to think yoga is gentle, non-cardio, and probably easy. It's much harder than anything I ever did in a gym, it makes you sweat, it gets your heart rate up, it feels fantastic, and it gives you an awesome body - yoga butts are the best!! Add to that the mental and spiritual benefits and it's magical. So grateful for Michael Franti and his yoga at Power to the Peaceful, because that's where it all started.
Michael is going to tour with Casey's hero - Carlos Santana. Hoping they add another CA show - only one so far is Chula Vista.
Can you tell I'm feeling better? Either my body is adjusting to the radiation or I finally got enough Zofran into me. I still feel nauseous, but yesterday I was able to get out of bed and do the laundry. I have today off to recover because my doctor was concerned that I wasn't handling it well. I'm grateful, but I will probably do five days next week. Skipping days adds more time to the end. Ugh.
I keep finding TV shows that I like in Netflix that are canceled after a season, or in one case after only 7 episodes. I finished the first season of Flashforward last night. It ended on a cliffhanger, or course, and then I discover it was canceled. I had to put the book it was based on onto my Kindle. I think there are so many channels, and so many shows, that people don't know about them. Personally, I think it was better when there were just a few channels and people had one TV. TV was family time, everyone watched together, and everyone watched the same shows. There's a lot of crap on. Most of my students have a TV in their room and I think that's bad! We have HBO and we rarely watch it. They run the same movies over and over and they tend to be movies we didn't want to see in the first place. My sister-in-law, Tracy, introduced me to Doctor Who. I can't believe I never knew about it before! If you like Sci Fi, it's great. It's apparently the longest running show on BBC. It's campy and I love it! I DVR'd it for Tracy and now it's taking over our DVR - it's on constantly. How did I miss this?
Time to go do a yoga session with Jean and Rachel. I will feel even better about 9:30. Yoga, yoga, yoga!!
Namaste,
Jill
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Missing Out and Looking Forward
Mondays I go to the hospital to have blood drawn from my port and I see the doctor after treatment. It was the first time anyone has accessed my port without numbing it first and it hurt! Next week I'll be using the lidocaine my nurse Shannon gave me before I go in. At the oncologist's office they use cold spray that instantly numbs it. but hospitals don't have it for some reason. It takes the lidocaine 45 minutes to work, so the other alternative is a shot. Hmmm, a needle to get numb for the needle. Seems silly, so Shannon gave me lidocaine for my belly port. Anyway. The radiation tech put me on the scale yesterday, saw the number and said "Have you been eating?" It's getting a bit better, but it's still a challenge. The doctor is giving me Wednesday off this week since I'm having such a hard time. He also said we could do every other week, but that would make it last twice as long.
Yesterday was not as bad, probably because of my private yoga class with Jean. He'll be back tomorrow and Cathy will be here Friday. It never ceases to amaze me, how much yoga helps.
I am missing out on so much that's coming up, and it's breaking my heart. My very first AVID class is graduating from high school, and I'm going to miss it. Thursday night is the night where they honor the "Top 30" seniors, chosen by the teachers. Katie asked me to attend and sit on stage with her. Last night she sent me part of the speech that Ed Cabrera (AHS teacher) will be giving about her that's about me. It touched me deeply and made me cry. Many of my 8th graders have asked me to be at their promotion and I will be missing that, too. My friend Amelia is retiring and I'm going to miss her party. In June a large group of old friends are coming to town and having a 30 years later reunion. I've been looking forward to it, and I doubt I will be able to make it.
Enough whining! As hard as this is, it is part of the battle to Kick Cancer's Butt. It will be over mid-June, I have a great trip north with Casey, David and Chris to look forward to, and, best of all - I get to go back to work in August!! It will be like being a first year teacher or being at a new school in some ways - I won't know any of the kids on campus! I can't wait to have a brand new crop of students, and thinking about them keeps me going. I am so glad I was smart enough to choose teaching as my profession. It's the most rewarding thing I can imagine doing.
Last night I watched the last episode of the first season of Glee, where they sing "To Sir with Love" to their teacher. That song always makes me cry. It's a beautiful depiction of the teacher/student relationship.
Namaste,
Jill
Yesterday was not as bad, probably because of my private yoga class with Jean. He'll be back tomorrow and Cathy will be here Friday. It never ceases to amaze me, how much yoga helps.
I am missing out on so much that's coming up, and it's breaking my heart. My very first AVID class is graduating from high school, and I'm going to miss it. Thursday night is the night where they honor the "Top 30" seniors, chosen by the teachers. Katie asked me to attend and sit on stage with her. Last night she sent me part of the speech that Ed Cabrera (AHS teacher) will be giving about her that's about me. It touched me deeply and made me cry. Many of my 8th graders have asked me to be at their promotion and I will be missing that, too. My friend Amelia is retiring and I'm going to miss her party. In June a large group of old friends are coming to town and having a 30 years later reunion. I've been looking forward to it, and I doubt I will be able to make it.
Enough whining! As hard as this is, it is part of the battle to Kick Cancer's Butt. It will be over mid-June, I have a great trip north with Casey, David and Chris to look forward to, and, best of all - I get to go back to work in August!! It will be like being a first year teacher or being at a new school in some ways - I won't know any of the kids on campus! I can't wait to have a brand new crop of students, and thinking about them keeps me going. I am so glad I was smart enough to choose teaching as my profession. It's the most rewarding thing I can imagine doing.
Last night I watched the last episode of the first season of Glee, where they sing "To Sir with Love" to their teacher. That song always makes me cry. It's a beautiful depiction of the teacher/student relationship.
Namaste,
Jill
Monday, May 16, 2011
Poisoned Cake
It's Monday morning and this is the best I can expect to feel, not having had a treatment since Friday. I made it through half of a bagel before my stomach rebelled. Last night I ate a baked potato and then felt horrible for a few hours before my stomach settled down. I'm going to ask to see the doctor after my torture session this afternoon. I'm hoping he has some stronger medication or advice to get me through this. He said this treatment would take between 3-6 weeks, depending on how I tolerate it. Based on the first week, I'm hoping for 3. However...as awful as this is, it's not as bad as surgery. If this keeps me from having another surgery, it's worth it.
Another question I'd like answered is this: I have most of the risk factors for ovarian cancer, such as infertility, taking fertility drugs without conceiving, and menstruating early. Apparently the more times you ovulate the higher the risk. Fertility drugs force your body to ovulate more than normal. Did they know this twenty years ago, and if so why didn't my doctor tell me of the risk at the time? Another risk factor is if you pee a lot. When symptoms started showing up, the urologist asked me how many times a day I peed. I calculated 20-25. I was shocked to discover that 4-5 is normal. That's just not something you tend to discuss with other people. Why didn't my urologist or my gynecologist at the time know this was a sign of ovarian cancer? A CT scan and a CA125 2 or 3 years earlier would have made a hugs difference in how advanced the cancer was. This is why it's such a killer - most women are diagnosed at a late stage, like I was. Women, learn from my experience and pay attention to these things in yourself and in your daughters. Demand a scan and a CA125 if you have any doubts at all. The gynecologist I was seeing at the time wanted me to have a hysterectomy - he said that in his opinion, every woman should have one when she is past child bearing age or is infertile,because of the risk of ovarian cancer. I thought he was nuts - I sure wish I'd listened. I found a new doctor the day I was sitting across his desk from him and he said "Are you new patient or have I seen you before?" He had been my doctor for ten years. I found myself a new doctor, and she was fresh out of medical school. She discovered the cancer, and I was her first. She cried when she told Casey. She will never ask me if I'm a new patient!
I am in a better frame of mind than I was yesterday. As usual, my village rocks. I appreciate the supportive messages and emails. I realize I said something that was incorrect - I cried when I told Casey the cancer was back, and I cried when I told the teachers. So, three times...not too bad, considering. It's harder to stay positive when I'm in bed all the time and food makes me sick, but I can do it with the love and support of my friends.
Jean is coming this morning for some yoga, and I am hoping it works its usual magic and makes me feel good, or at least better. I have two privates with Jean and one with Cathy scheduled, and if anything can help, my yoga teachers can.
I now have to go to Twin Cities hospital to have my blood drawn every Monday. Radiation has more effect on blood counts than chemo. Apparently there are oncology nurses there who can access my port, but there's no way to tell how long it will take, so we'll have to go out twice today. I find myself wondering why the women on the Ovarian Cancer Alliance web site told me that radiation was easier for them compared to chemo, when it is so much harder on me. One woman said it was a "piece of cake" for her. My cake seems to be poisoned!
Namaste,
Jill
Another question I'd like answered is this: I have most of the risk factors for ovarian cancer, such as infertility, taking fertility drugs without conceiving, and menstruating early. Apparently the more times you ovulate the higher the risk. Fertility drugs force your body to ovulate more than normal. Did they know this twenty years ago, and if so why didn't my doctor tell me of the risk at the time? Another risk factor is if you pee a lot. When symptoms started showing up, the urologist asked me how many times a day I peed. I calculated 20-25. I was shocked to discover that 4-5 is normal. That's just not something you tend to discuss with other people. Why didn't my urologist or my gynecologist at the time know this was a sign of ovarian cancer? A CT scan and a CA125 2 or 3 years earlier would have made a hugs difference in how advanced the cancer was. This is why it's such a killer - most women are diagnosed at a late stage, like I was. Women, learn from my experience and pay attention to these things in yourself and in your daughters. Demand a scan and a CA125 if you have any doubts at all. The gynecologist I was seeing at the time wanted me to have a hysterectomy - he said that in his opinion, every woman should have one when she is past child bearing age or is infertile,because of the risk of ovarian cancer. I thought he was nuts - I sure wish I'd listened. I found a new doctor the day I was sitting across his desk from him and he said "Are you new patient or have I seen you before?" He had been my doctor for ten years. I found myself a new doctor, and she was fresh out of medical school. She discovered the cancer, and I was her first. She cried when she told Casey. She will never ask me if I'm a new patient!
I am in a better frame of mind than I was yesterday. As usual, my village rocks. I appreciate the supportive messages and emails. I realize I said something that was incorrect - I cried when I told Casey the cancer was back, and I cried when I told the teachers. So, three times...not too bad, considering. It's harder to stay positive when I'm in bed all the time and food makes me sick, but I can do it with the love and support of my friends.
Jean is coming this morning for some yoga, and I am hoping it works its usual magic and makes me feel good, or at least better. I have two privates with Jean and one with Cathy scheduled, and if anything can help, my yoga teachers can.
I now have to go to Twin Cities hospital to have my blood drawn every Monday. Radiation has more effect on blood counts than chemo. Apparently there are oncology nurses there who can access my port, but there's no way to tell how long it will take, so we'll have to go out twice today. I find myself wondering why the women on the Ovarian Cancer Alliance web site told me that radiation was easier for them compared to chemo, when it is so much harder on me. One woman said it was a "piece of cake" for her. My cake seems to be poisoned!
Namaste,
Jill
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