Still Here on May 22!

I have radiation treatment M-F and then have the weekend to recover. Yesterday I felt worse than I have all week, but today I do feel better. I managed to get some natural sleep last night, although I was up five times to pee - side effect of the radiation, I assume. I was awake at 4 and my belly was empty, which makes it hard to sleep. I ate yesterday, but I didn't manage to finish anything. I get to the point where I know I can't swallow another bite without it coming back up. So, at 4 am I had half a bagel and a glass of milk. Then I took two Ativan, which is both an anti-nausea and an anti-anxiety sedative, and I slept until 11! That is unheard of, for me. I woke up feeling better than I have since this started. I had coffee for the first time, if you can call it that. In my large cup is about 5% very weak acid-free coffee, mixed in with 95% hot milk. You can see why I call it "Milky coffee." I get a little bit of coffee flavor without upsetting my stomach. I ate two toaster waffles with cream cheese and apple butter, and that is the most I've eaten since this started. My doctor has been very concerned about my weight, and I have now gone down another pound for a total of six. It makes my ports stick out even more!

I have had to temporarily abandon my anti-cancer diet. Right now it's about whatever I can manage to swallow. At a certain point, my throat rebels and there's no way another bite is getting through. Everything that Casey offers me sounds disgusting. I really can't tell if I can manage something until I try. A dish that works one day repulses me the next. I have not been eating any dairy for months, but now I find that a large glass of organic milk soothes my stomach and makes me feel better. I've also been eating Haagen Daaz mango sherbert. It's not sweet enough to make me sick, it just makes me feel good. I eat it in very small amounts - in a Fiesta tea cup.

Two weeks down and four to go. This is the real test of my strength. I know I have to power through this to find my permanent remission, but sometimes I wonder how I'm going to be able to stick it out. I keep reminding myself that I felt much worse during the two months after the surgery when I didn't get out of bed and had no contact with just a few people - mostly Casey.

Casey helps me to hang on. He is so good to me, and so cheerful all of the time. His strength lends itself to mine, and together we are facing the cancer beast down. I believe I am meant to survive this, and that the universe gave me the tools I need to do so: Casey, Yoga, Cathy, Jean, The Wellness Kitchen, Dr. Spillane, my always positive and wonderful oncologist, Dr. O'Hanlan, my wonderful surgeon, Dr. Prewitt, who saved my life by referring me to Dr. O'Hanlan, all of the many wonderful nurses we have encountered, and of course, the family, friends and colleagues who make up my village. These are the things and the people that keep me strong. I can't believe this has taken the entire school year. I am so excited to get back into my classroom in August and start my life again!

Namaste,
Jill