Zappin' that Nasty Cancer

I really liked Dani's comment after yesterday's post: "Having an intention that is specific and devotional is the most amazing way to fight for or against ANYTHING!" Wise words from a wise woman. I have been using visualization and putting my desire to beat this cancer into my yoga intentions from the beginning. It was Cathy, my yoga angel, who told me I need to be very specific. Not just to beat cancer, but to beat it for good. Every day on the table, when the radiation beam goes on, I visualize rays zapping the cancer cells into oblivion. There are explosions going on in my imagination. At night when I am having trouble sleeping, I repeat a mantra to myself - My cancer is gone, and it is gone forever. I know there are many people out there putting me into their yoga intentions and praying for me. I believe this helps. The more positive energy going out into the universe on my behalf, the better. I appreciate everyone who is helping me out in this way.

I put a post on the ovarian cancer list serve, asking for advice on dealing with this radiation. A woman responded, and gave me the email address of a woman who dealt with it and has not had a recurrence since 1999. She said she only knows of two women who have had radiation, but both of them have not needed any other treatment since. So good to hear, particularly after another night of little sleep.

I have been afflicted with insomnia for years. It used to be that it only happened if, for some reason, I didn't get enough exercise. I have always been a high energy person. Even at 40, in the summer there were days where I would go to two aerobic classes, take my dogs hiking on the trail, and then go dancing at night. Most days, when I'm well, I 'll go to a yoga class and take my dog for a walk or a hike. Right now I am struggling a bit with yoga and yesterday my walk was half its usual length. I felt awful afterward. I am spending the majority of my time in bed, watching streaming Netflix shows on my Google TV. At night, the only way I can sleep is to take an Ambien. Ambien puts me to sleep for 3 1/2 to 4 hours and then I'm tossing and turning. They gave me 12.5 milligram time released Ambien and the pharmacist said it would put most people out for 20 hours. We had to pay for it because insurance refused, and it was around $200. It doesn't work any better than the regular 10 mg variety. I spend a lot of time at night repeating my affirmation and listening to the sounds of a sleeping husband and two sleeping dogs.

I will be so glad when all of this is over, and I can go back to the yoga studio on a daily basis, go back to Yoga Flirt, go back to hiking the trail with Bella, and in general just go back to having a life. Alfredo, the very sweet radiation tech, apologized to me yesterday for "Having to do this to you." I told him that, as hard as it is, if it saves me from ever having another recurrence/surgery it would be worth it. I'm thrilled to hear about two women who went down this path and found their long term remission.

With most cancers, five years NED (no evidence of disease) takes you from remission to cure. This is not true with ovarian and fallopian tube cancer. We have to remain vigilant for the rest of our lives. Even after five years, it's in remission but not cured. It can, and often does, recur at any time. This is why my intentions and affirmations must be very specific. Those of you are who sending out those positive vibes on my behalf, in whatever form, I would ask that you be specific. I will beat this cancer, and it will NEVER come back, either as a recurrence or as a secondary cancer. Unfortunately, the chemo and the radiation cause cancer, so a secondary cancer is a risk, too. Oh, the irony of it all.

Many technologies from Star Trek have come true. I'm hoping for a transporter, where they can program out the cancer cells before sending you through.

Namaste,
Jill