Hanging on, barely

Right now, my battle is simply eating and getting out of bed. Food is not at all appetizing, in fact, it's nauseating. Yesterday I managed a bagel and a bowl of soup. I've had 5 treatments and I've lost 5 lbs. If I can't eat, and I can't get out of bed, I will become weak and it will be harder to fight. I feel a bit better today and I managed a bowl of cream of wheat. I did the dishes and I'm sitting at the kitchen table. These are big victories, for now. Casey is going to the store to get me some liquid meals - smoothies and Carnation Instant Breakfast, for example. I'm going to have to not worry about sugar for a little while, in favor of keeping my strength up. The Carnation Instant Breakfast has sugar in it, but it's also got a lot of nutrients. It's basically the same thing as Ensure at half the price. If I keep going the way I have been, I'll weigh 110 at the end and I'll look like a skeleton. I got down to 125 during my first battle and I looked pretty bad. So, cream of wheat, smoothies, CIB, maybe even ice cream. I'll worry about sugar being "cancer fertilizer" later.

Every day I read posts from women on the Ovarian Cancer Alliance. Yesterday I read one by a 22 year old girl who will never have babies. Another woman was venting that she can't talk to her husband, and that he was complaining that when she had long, blond hair everyone told him how pretty his wife was, but now that her hair is short and gray they don't. I have always been grateful for Casey and his support, but that made me even more so! He takes such good care of me, and he's always there for me.

I confess I'm having more trouble than usual remaining positive. I cried for awhile last night, and believe it or not that's the first time I've cried because of the cancer. The battle is going on for so long this time, and I feel so weak and so sick. Being unable to eat is very dispiriting. I feel weak and hungry, but then I take a bite and I can't swallow. There have always been breaks in the chemo where I felt pretty normal. It looks like I am going to be sick until after this radiation ends. While I am better today, I am nauseated and I doubt I'll be up for long.

OK, enough whining. It poured last night and was apparently windy. The umbrella was in our outdoor table, and this morning the glass is in shattered pieces all over the ground. A big mess for poor Casey to deal with, and he'll have to do it soon to keep Ben and Bella safe. His mountain bike is in the shop and he really needs a ride for the physical, emotional and spiritual benefits. He is my rock, but he also has to be his own rock.

I've been up for an hour or so and it's long enough. Thank goodness for my Google TV, or I would be going out of my mind!

Namaste,
Jill