Feeling Blue

This morning I am sitting up at the kitchen table, writing, for the first time in awhile. I have not been out of bed in a week and a half. I felt good going into the radiation, after my two week break. I did five days worth, and then my doctor called and said my counts were too low and said I should take the day off unless I felt good. I felt terrible, so I declined. I felt worse the next day, and worse again the next day...I haven't had a treatment this week and yesterday was the worst day of all. In addition to the nausea I now have abdominal pain. Every time I see the doctor he asks if I have any, but up to now I haven't. I feel a bit better today, but I doubt I'll be up for long. I'm going in to see the doctor this afternoon to discuss the treatment and how I've been handling it...or not been handling it, actually.

From the time I was diagnosed in 2008, I have remained strong most of the time. I only cried a handful of times. I have felt confident that I can, and will, beat this. as I've said many times, the love and support of my friends and family have greatly contributed to this in a big way. The biggest tool available to me has always been yoga. I haven't practiced for 12 days. I am too nauseous, too exhausted, too dispirited. I just read a blog of Cathy's where she wrote about what you lose if you don't practice for two weeks and how long it takes to get it back. I can't help but feel that yoga is more beneficial in my fight than radiation. That going from rarely crying to crying every day is detrimental to the fight. Lying in bed, too sick to read, to talk to anyone, to take a walk, to practice my guitar...well, you can imagine how difficult it is.

Throughout the chemo I was able to still do many of the things I love to do. A simple walk in the sunshine with Casey and the dogs does wonders for my spirits. I absolutely can't do it now - it just intensifies the nausea too much. It's too hot for Casey to take Bella running, and my poor doggy is getting fat and crazy. She is about to go out of her mind with pent up energy. She has been my cancer companion - I brought her home to live with us just four months prior to my diagnosis. While doing chemo I could read, I could practice my guitar, practice yoga several times a week and often go to a Cathy or a Jean class at one of the studios. These simple things kept me happy, positive, sane...Without these things available to me I feel my spirits sinking. I don't feel like a warrior goddess defeating cancer right now. The radiation makes me feel so bad that I feel like the cancer is winning.

I have been dealing with this now for going on ten months. I'm sick of it. It's summer, I missed the whole school year, and I want to be well. I want to take my dog on the trail. I want to practice yoga every day. I want to conquer that guitar. I want to drink fresh veggie juices and eat cancer fighting foods.

I want my life back.

Namaste,
Jill