Counting My Blessings

Last night I had trouble falling asleep and all I could think about was my students and my classroom. Thinking that I was going into this bout with cancer much stronger than last time, and that last time the whole journey lasted 6 months, I promised my kids I'd be back. I'm feeling guilty about that now because it doesn't look very likely. I was there just long enough to become attached to them and it is breaking my heart to be away from them for so long. Although I get a new batch every year, this group will never be mine again. I have had to leave two groups of kids and not return and I just hate it. There is nothing like being forced to leave your job to make you appreciate it. I was thinking about that last night when I was lying awake, and I was thinking about which parts of my job feel like work. The grading is definitely work and I could do without it much of the time. I love reading their writing, but reading 150 to 180 essays is cumbersome. The meetings are most definitely work. Staff development days and Friday meetings feel like detention for teachers. Being in my room with my kids does not feel like work. I love them, I love teaching them, and they fill me up. After a day of doing "If You Really Knew Me" in the Challenge Day tradition, my heart was so open I told Jean, my yoga teacher, that I loved him. I do love him, but it's probably not typical to say so!! I still dream that my treatment will end early and I will be able to return to this year's kids. We were so bonded after our two weeks of team building and we did not get to reap the benefits together.

I am so grateful to be feeling better and out of bed today. I started a blog entry after Sydney left yesterday and abandoned it because I realized I was whining a bit. It's hard not to start feeling sorry for myself after so much time in bed feeling lousy. When this happens, it's time to count my blessings. Although the surgery and recovery was much more intense this time, the chemo has not been, so far. I have not been to the emergency room at all, and that happened three times last time. I have only actually vomited a few times, and that happened a lot last time. There is nothing quite like vomiting after abdominal surgery. I did not have the week off where I started to feel normal last time. I still have the support of my wonderful AJHS family, and now I have the Yoga Flirt women as well. Today I am wearing jeans for the first time since the surgery. It feels incredible to be wearing something other than yoga pants. Up until recently even yoga pants hurt my stomach, so this is a huge breakthrough. All of the love and support coming our way is again a huge blessing. Having two yoga teachers coming to my home is huge and helps me more than I can even say. Having a friend like Sydney who comes every weekend she can is amazing and wonderful. She has always been a blessing in my life.

So, despite missing my students and my life so much, I have many things to be grateful for. Although counting your blessings may seem like a cliche, it works. It helps me to stay positive and strong. If you ever feel unhappy or negative about your life or the world around you, give it a try. I promise it will make you feel better.

Namaste,
Jill