Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Needles, Attitudes, and Redwoods

We made it through Bella's surgery, and now it's my turn for a procedure. I will be at French hospital this morning, where I will have a CT scan during which they will drain a fluid-filled cyst that's at my surgical site. Yes, that means a big needle going into my belly. I remember when needles scared me. I have gotten very blase about them. A needle in my arm, a needle to numb the spot, a needle to extract the fluid...whatever. I've come a long way from the little girl who screamed whenever she saw a man wearing white in public because that meant needles!

Last night I dreamed I was living in a walled enclosure on an island, where everyone had cancer. I wasn't unhappy to be there - it was beautiful. I was noticing that there were two kinds of people there - those who remained positive and lived each day fully and those who dissolved into the "poor pitiful me" attitude. In my online connections it seems to be true that people are one way or another. Cancer is awful enough without adding a pity party to it. In my opinion, self pity gives power to the disease and just makes you miserable. There is always someone worse off. Cancer has taken enough from me. I refuse to let it take my happiness.

I'm not thrilled about leaving Bella home with only Ben to look after her, but we should be home by noon. She'll probably appreciate the quiet house and just sleep. I see the vet Monday for her bandage removal and biopsy results. I should have my recent CA125 results sometime tomorrow. I can check it online!

I'll be glad when today's procedure is over so that I can have something to eat and some tea! Remember, Bella's lump is just a lump, my CA125 is a 7, and all is well with us.

We have two small redwood trees in our yard now. I miss the redwoods:


Namaste,

Jill

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