Staying Happy and a Pool Table

I've been reading posts on the Ovarian Cancer Alliance web site recently. Women who have ovarian or fallopian tube cancer ask questions and communicate with each other about their cancer. Despite the supposed rarity of this cancer - 1 in 72 women as opposed to the 1 in 8 who develop breast cancer - there are tons of women on there. I personally think this cancer is much more prevalent than stated. When I was first diagnosed I read online that it's so rare my doctor may never have seen a case of it before. So, I personally know 9 women who have ovarian or fallopian tube cancer. Doesn't sound too rare to me. There have been cases of little girls as young as 5 having gynecological cancer. I had a 7th grader who was diagnosed with ovarian cancer the year she was in my class. There are three women in the neighborhood I grew up in who have dealt with it. This is not rare in my book, just not as prevalent as breast cancer so it doesn't get as much attention. They now think that all ovarian cancer actually starts in the fallopian tubes, but this is a pretty new discovery.

I read a post and many replies this morning about women who are struggling with depression and who cry all the time. One woman says she cries every time she has a treatment. Her doctor told her she needs to get on board and be a part of the team. There were about 19 replies, and every one of them is experiencing this level of depression. It makes me wonder why I responded differently. The first time around, I cried when we had to put Bella in the kennel. I never cried about the cancer. The second time, I started having anxiety attacks while still in the hospital. I started taking a low dose of zoloft and that took care of it. I recently weaned myself off of it because I no longer need it. Given that my mom died ten days after my surgery and she was far away across the ocean, and it was a recurrence, I suppose I could have easily become depressed. Maybe it was the zoloft, but I didn't. The anxiety was more about my mom than it was about the cancer. When Joyce called to say she had died, I felt like a burden had lifted. Of course I was sad, but I had been so worried about her and I was glad she was with dad and no longer afraid. She was terrified of dying.

I've been thinking a lot about battle 2 compared to battle 1. The second surgery was much worse and the aftermath was pretty awful. I still can't believe I spent two entire months in bed, and just walking in the yard felt like it was going to kill me. Even then I wasn't unhappy. The chemo has been much less awful and so have the side effects. I haven't been to the ER at all this time! The chemobrain is mild compared to last time. For whatever reason, and I think it's mostly due to yoga, I feel happy every day. Sure it sucks to have cancer, but I refuse to let it ruin my life. I'm here now and I'm likely to be here for a very long time. I will enjoy each day to my fullest ability. I do things, every day, that make me happy. Yoga is one of them and the most important. My mom always said I was simple - meaning little things make me happy, not that I'm slow!! A walk in the sunshine with Casey, Ben and Bella, a noon yoga class with Cathy, writing this blog, reading a good book while soaking in the tub, practicing my guitar, spending time with Casey, a trip with Sydney...these things make me happy. I feel more joy and gratitude these days than anything.

I feel badly for the women who are crying and I wish I could help them. I think that being unhappy gives the disease the upper hand. I feel like in taking control of my life I am also taking control of the cancer. Cancer, me and my village are kicking your butt!

This is our pool table room. Casey is a talented pool player, and our friend Rick seems to be the only person who can give him a good game!!

Namaste, Jill